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I NEED A LAUGH TODAY

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited -until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."

If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after mass. "Good morning Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church."

"Deed you did, father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.

"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great cathedral at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley;
"Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?"
"Deed I did, Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.

"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you."

"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But don't see Mr. O'Riley. Is he! here?"

"No. He's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"

The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman.............

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,come in or stay out!'"

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the remaining one would try to contact the
partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. As luck would have it, a few weeks later, the young man died in a
car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the séance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, and sunshine most of the time."
"Well, what do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there is nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap
until two and then have more sex until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 pm."
Martha was somewhat taken back. "Is that what heaven is really like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a jackrabbit in Arizona."

A little child in church for the first time, watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where
he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well,"! said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His
father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which
showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with
a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway t hrough the sermon,
she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his
sermon all over again!' It worked."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off
the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she
spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The Buddhist gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. And waits. Finally he says, "Where's my change?"

The vendor replies, "All change must come from within."

"Few sinners are saved after the first 20 minutes of a sermon."- Mark Twain.

A lad goes into a confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father."

"I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.

"A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible."

- George Burns

A lot of people are willing to give G_d credit. Cash is okay, too, but less frequent.

Two Mediums were walking toward each other on the street. They stopped. One said to the other, "You're fine. How am I?"

A man wanted a reading from a medium. All he could find were psychics. He looked high, and he looked low. He couldn't find a medium.

Finally, he found a medium. He got an appointment. He arrived at the appointed time, and was shown into her reading room. She sat down and immediately began to chant: "I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I'm so happy!"

The customer was dismayed, but the medium kept right on singing, "I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I'm so happy!"

The customer started getting annoyed, but the medium kept right on with, "I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I'm so happy!"

Looking around the room, the man found an umbrella, and smack! He whacked the medium across the head. She fell to the ground, slowly got up shaking her head. "Why did you do that?" she asked.

The customer replied, "Because my mother always told me to strike a happy medium."

Most people want to serve G_d, but only in an advisory capacity.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancing age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that danged ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"